We are not our feelings, but we are The Emotions. Feelings are our current experience of soul. Emotions are universal archetypes working in and on all human beings. Don't confuse the two. Feelings change with my life and level of consciousness, Emotions are eternal teachers that grab us by the ear and drag us into the classroom of life. Grief is an Eternal Emotion or universal experience, however, each human 'feels' grief in his or her own way, depending on ones age, personality, peer environment, level of consciousness, cultural view of the Emotion, etc. These feelings will change as we grow up and become individual souls rather than just one of the herd of humans. This is the wonder of Emotions.
My "insecurity" or "low self esteem" is a tool of the gods, and not PRIMARILY the result of bad parenting or some other bad break life handed me. Our 'dysfunctional' parents or peers are very functional; they gave us the gifts of what we call abuse and low self esteem in order that we might work through those difficult algebraic equations in this life. They are my assignments, my soul-making challenges, as hard as they may be. "Blessed are those who are broken and mourn, who are persecuted (abused)," Jesus said.
That is why Jesus told us to love our 'enemies,' because they gave us our biggest mathematical problems to solve in life. Life is not so much about living with high self esteem as it is moving through my experiences of low self esteem. Without resistance, muscles atrophy, shrivel up and we become immobile. Our worst problems are the raw materials of our soul's energy.
Now that doesn't excuse the abuser or offender. They are culpable. As Jesus said, "In this world you SHALL receive offenses, but woe to those through whom they come." In other words, these abusers are responsible for their (our) abuses, AND paradoxically the abuses we receive are the gifts of soul-making.